


Not Alone

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Meetings, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 02:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight-year-old Roxy and Dirk have almost nothing in common, apart from the fact that they're both human beings.</p>
<p>But that fact means they're the two last surviving humans on the planet Earth.</p>
<p>And this is how, with the help of one alien and the hindrance of another, they talk for the very first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Alone

You are now Roxy Lalonde.

You're currently investigating this new site you just spotted in your bookmarks. You didn't bookmark it, and it wasn't there before... your SCIENCE sensors (those are a real thing you have, fyi) are telling you that this needs investigating.

So you downloaded the thing, "Pesterchum" apparently, chose your screen name, got yourself all hyped up for some TOTES BALLER SOCIAL INTERACTION YO, and... there's no one online. In the entire world. BIG FUCKING SURPRISE.

But hey, you can switch the faces still! You click the buttons for CHUMMY and RANCOROUS back and forth, because you've downloaded the thing now, you may as well. Hell, this might be the only chance to do some retro chat application emoticon-switching you get! You sure ain't missing out on THAT.

... yeah, this is a waste of time.

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Or... not?

UU: hello my lovely!  
TG: yoooooooooo where u come from  
UU: what exactly do yoU mean by that?  
TG: it sayd no1 online  
TG: and then ALAKAZAM  
TG: liek some wizardy spell  
TG: you apparate yourself in my inbox  
TG: how u doin that  
UU: it's a long story!  
TG: r u a wizard :OOOO  
UU: well, i sUppose yoU coUld call me sUch!  
UU: i do Use a wand, is that wizardy enoUgh?  
TG: yooooo  
TG: yooooooooooooo  
TG: first actual convasation with human being  
TG: i got a REAL LIFE WIZARD  
TG: HELLS of yes  
TG: u da BEST  
UU: pleased to meet yoU too! ^U^  
UU: bUt i am afraid to say that i am not actUally a hUman.  
TG: o  
TG: :(  
TG: so im still the only human then  
UU: no, yoU are not!  
TG: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
TG: whos still around then????  
TG: is it like  
TG: freedom fiter resistence force??????  
UU: well, he certainly seems to be resistant to the condesce's rUle!  
TG: omfg YES  
TG: and hes a he??  
UU: indeed!  
TG: life has been MADE  
UU: i am so glad to hear that!  
TG: so he live near me or wat  
UU: he is actUally qUite a distance from yoU, sadly.  
TG: :(  
UU: bUt, if all the timings are right, he will be signing Up to pesterchUm some time very soon!  
TG: ooooooooo  
TG: you can c future?????  
UU: in a manner of speaking, yes!  
TG: OMFG U SO AWESOME  
UU: ^U^  
UU: in a day or two, yoU shall be able to pester him yoUrself!  
TG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XD  
TG: EXCITED  
UU: i imagine yoU woUld be!  
UU: he will go by the handle of timaeUstestified.  
TG: YAAAAAAAAY  
TG: thank u  
TG: or  
TG: thank UU  
TG: <3  
UU: ^U^  
UU: i hope yoU two enjoy yoUr conversation!  
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

And as soon as she stops:

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

No social interaction (with people who can actually talk, anyway) for the first eight years of your life, and then two in one day!

AW YISS.

uu: HELLO EIGHT HuMAN YEARS OLD ROXY.  
TG: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
TG: who u  
TG: r u like UU  
TG: uranianumbra  
TG: u kno her?????  
uu: uGH.  
uu: DO NOT ASSOCIATE ME. WITH THAT HIDEOuS BITCH.  
TG: whaaaaaaa shes nice  
TG: i guess?  
TG: only talked 2 her once but she cool  
TG: liek wizzerd :O  
uu: NO. SHE IS HORRIBLE AND uGLY AND STuPID.  
TG: your horrible and ugly and stupid  
TG: BYE  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

... okay, you'll forget about that last one.

But hey. A REAL-LIFE WIZARD and THE LAST BOY IN EXISTENCE are on the list of your past and future ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS.

Two out of three isn't bad. Not bad at all.

***

You are now Dirk Strider.

Considering previous eventualities, this may in fact be the worst idea in your life so far. Never mind the fact that this "Pesterchum" application looks antiquated, even for the time you are researching. But you actually entertained the notion that there might be someone on here.

All the evidence pointed against it. The chance of people having survived since the genocides of four centuries ago is virtually nil. The chance of these hypothetical survivors having internet access is even less. And the chance of them stumbling upon this niche messaging system from centuries ago?

It is a waste of time, you know full well, but you leave the window up just in case. Just in case logic is lying for once, and a millions-to-one chance happens to come through. There is nothing to lose by doing so, after all.

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]

But, perhaps, everything to gain.

uu: HEY SHITHEAD.  
TT: That is bad language to use around someone who is eight years old.  
uu: WOW. YOu REALLY WERE DuMB WHEN YOu WERE YOuNGER.  
TT: I speak properly.  
TT: What do you mean "when you were younger"?  
TT: As age progresses in a linear fashion, I am currently the oldest I have ever been.  
TT: And I have not spoken with you previously, as I recall.  
uu: OH NO. BuT ONE DAY.  
uu: YOu WILL KNOW ME. OH SO WELL.  
uu: BECAuSE I WILL CONSTANTLY MAKE YOuR LIFE.  
uu: A LIVING HELL.  
TT: Who are you?  
uu: YOuR WORST NIGHTMARE.  
uu: HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
TT: I understand the point you are attempting to make with this personification.  
TT: However, I do not have nightmares because I do not sleep.  
TT: Hence your figure of speech is invalid.  
uu: AND YOu ARE A FuCKING BORE.  
TT: That is bad language. I request that you please moderate your behavior according to my age.  
uu: WOW. YAWN MuCH.  
uu: I'M GOING TO GO ANNOY THE SHIT OuT OF YOuR FuTuRE SELF.  
TT: You continue to make no sense.  
undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]

On second thoughts, you are... unsure whether you actually gained anything from that. In fact, you think it may be reasonable to assume that that was the oddest experience of your life so far.

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering  timaeusTestified [TT]

And that this is a very unreasonable day.

UU: hello dirk!  
TT: How do you know my name?  
TT: My brother is the one who gave it to me. Very few people otherwise know it; I am nearly entirely certain that they would all be dead by now.  
TT: Do you know of my brother?  
UU: ooh, well... that may be rather complicated to explain.  
TT: I was not expecting to come in contact with any living beings through usage of this application.  
TT: And yet I have now come across two.  
TT: I suspect that this also may be rather complicated to explain.  
UU: two?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Would you perchance know the identity of a certain "undyingUmbrage"?  
UU: U_U  
UU: deary me... so he got to yoU first, did he?  
TT: Who is he?  
UU: he is my... brother.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Which type of brother?  
UU: pardon?  
TT: The type that is genetically related to you, due to being the male offspring of your biological parents?  
TT: Or the type that shortens the term to "bro", is likely not related to you in that exact way, is long dead, and leaves recorded messages for you to aid your development?  
TT: I have the latter. Which do you have?  
UU: oh, Um... the former seems close enoUgh!  
TT: Alright.  
TT: I do have another question. It may confuse you somewhat, but I hope that you understand it is reasonable given the circumstances.  
TT: Are you human?  
UU: this is a very reasonable qUestion, don't yoU worry!  
UU: i am not. ^U^  
UU: bUt describing what i really am woUld take far too long, and i'd prefer that yoU didn't know it anyway. U_U  
TT: Your answer is sufficient.  
UU: :U  
TT: Forgive my probing nature; I have never spoken to a living being before.  
TT: Besides the unpleasant and thankfully shortlived correspondence with your brother.  
TT: I hope my performance in this conversation so far is adequate.  
UU: oh yes, yes my lovely, yoU're doing fine!  
UU: thoUgh i can't say i've spoken with too many people before either.  
UU: one might even say that we're in the same boat!  
TT: This is comforting.  
TT: I do have another enquiry to make.  
TT: Am I alone?  
TT: On this planet, I mean.  
TT: I have never encountered another sentient being, so I have always made this assumption.  
UU: oh, don't worry, that's reasonable too!  
UU: and i have some news for yoU which may be very comforting!  
UU: yoU are not alone. ^U^  
TT: There are other survivors?  
UU: not sUrvivors, per se.  
UU: bUt there is another person who arrived afterwards, like yoU!  
UU: she tUrned Up jUst a day later, in fact!  
TT: This is highly intriguing.  
TT: Is there any way I can contact her?  
UU: of coUrse! it woUld be crUel to tell yoU aboUt her otherwise!  
UU: she is also on pesterchUm. her mother ensUred she foUnd it, mUch like yoUr brother did!  
TT: So that is how the site ended up in my bookmarks.  
UU: yes!  
UU: her chUmhandle is tipsygnostalgic.  
UU: happy chatting!  


uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering  timaeusTestified [TT]

***

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: haaaaay  
TT: Are you likening me to dried grass?  
TG: LMAO u r a goof  
TT: I am not quite sure I follow.  
TT: Also:  
TT: * "laughing my ass off, you are a goof"  
TT: If you are to be the solitary survivor of our species, excluding myself, I would like it if you could at least typed properly.  
TT: Our language must be preserved.  
TG: hmmmm  
TG: na  
TT: Sodium?  
TG: LOL  
TT: Why are you laughing out loud?  
TT: Or for that matter invoking sodium?  
TG: loling cos sience jokes ;D  
TT: * science  
TG: also u  
TG: u talk liek a robot  
TT: Well, I do construct them on occasion.  
TT: Perhaps they have influenced my speech patterns?  
TG: lol was that u makin a joke????  
TT: * "Making" a joke, yes.  
TG: omfg it was so unfunny it was kinda cute  
TG: u r a wierd one  
TT: * weird  
TG: u kno a lot of long words  
TG: but not a lot of short ones  
TT: Well, there must be a finite number of short words.  
TT: Limited by the number of permutations of one, two or three letters primarily; henceforth restrained further by which of these make sense phonetically.  
TG: u r such a masive dork  
TT: * massive  
TG: and now u prove it  
TG: i like u already  
TT: Moving on to the subject of your chumhandle:  
TT: Are you a Gnostic?  
TG: well  
TT: If you are, then it seems our respective handles have a thematic link.  
TT: Timaeus was the eponymous speaker in one of Plato's dialogues. Through him, Plato was the first to postulate the existence of a demiurge.  
TT: Which you must surely know is a fundamental tenet of Gnosticism.  
TG: the hell u on about  
TT: Are you not a Gnostic, then?  
TG: nope  
TT: That is a shame. We could have engaged in some interesting debates.  
TT: Platonic and Gnostic views of the demiurge differ in quite intriguing ways.  
TG: lol wut  
TT: Never mind. I might have to educate you on that at some point.  
TT: So what is the meaning behind your chumhandle?  
TG: it means jack shit  
TG: it came up in suggestions + looked cool  
TT: That explains it.  
TG: well i guess its kinda acurat  
TT: * accurate  
TG: *acurat  
TG: cos im defo tipsy alot  
TT: Is that true?  
TT: I would not be surprised.  
TG: wat u gonna go all disaproving now  
TG: its only 4 spechel occasions ok  
TT: * disapproving  
TT: * special  
TG: w/ev  
TG: im grown up ok  
TT: Your age would suggest otherwise.  
TG: no but liek  
TG: ur grown up wen u look after urself  
TG: i do  
TT: I suppose there is a degree of subjectivity involved.  
TG: wel ok i got the chess guys  
TT: "Chess guys"?  
TT: Might I inquire?  
TG: u no  
TG: black n wite dudes/ladys  
TT: * white  
TT: * ladies  
TG: u gona keep doing that  
TT: * are you going to  
TG: *fuk u  
TT: * Impolite.  
TG: *idc  
TT: Those are inappropriate words for an eight-year-old to be using.  
TG: y  
TG: + y do u care n e way  
TG: not like theres any other grown ups around 2 tell us no  
TT: ...  
TT: Let's not linger on this.  
TT: Returning us to the prior topic of conversation: I have never encountered any of the "chess guys" you refer to.  
TG: no wai  
TT: *Yes way.  
TG: oh u gettin smart on me now  
TT: What, did I give the impression that I was not smart?  
TG: mebbe  
TG: but i c rite thru u ;)  
TT: We were talking about chess guys.  
TG: o yea  
TG: u knoooooo  
TG: THEM  
TT: I do not know them, actually.  
TG: :OOOOOOO  
TG: who u hav then  
TT: No one to speak of.  
TT: There is Cal.  
TG: cal?  
TT: My puppet friend.  
TG: looooooool wat  
TG: u got a PUPPET  
TT: He's company.  
TG: and no chess guys  
TT: No, no "chess guys".  
TG: :(((((  
TG: u gotta b lonely then  
TT: It isn't that bad.  
TT: I cannot say I have ever known any other state of being.  
TG: stil  
TG: :CCCCCCCCC  
TT: I am content.  
TT: I have the ocean and I have Derse.  
TG: the fuk is desre  
TT: * Derse.  
TT: In fact, if my suspicions are correct...  
TT: You may be the princess of the other tower.  
TG: whaaaa :/  
TT: I keep up-to-date on goings on there by purloining tabloids and suchlike.  
TG: oooo!  
TG: u fancy purloiner u  
TG: (no idea wat purloin means but sounds kl)  
TT: It is hardly something to admire.  
TT: I steal.  
TG: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
TG: o my  
TG: am totes swept away by dashing theif  
TT: * thief  
TT: And if anything, you are the thief here.  
TT: They inform me that I am a Prince of Heart.  
TT: Whilst you (or whom I assume to be you) are a Rogue of Void.  
TG: !!!!!!!  
TG: then ill hav 2 sweep u away wont i *wink wink wink wonk wink wionk*  
TG: (dont do the * thing)  
TT: (Fine.)  
TG: + im totally gunna steal ur heart  
TG: u dashing PRINCE u :O  
TT: Slow down. We're not entirely sure that you are the princess of the moon yet.  
TT: I have seen the princess' name in their disrespectable publications.  
TT: Are you, by any chance...  
TT: Roxy Lalond?  
TG: LOL  
TG: lalonde  
TG: close :P  
TT: I think that speaks more for the quality of said publications than anything else.  
TG: hehe  
TG: so wats uuuuur name  
TG: i wanna kno :3  
TT: I am Dirk Strider.  
TG: nice 2 meet u dirk stridr  
TT: * Strider.  
TG: well u missed an e from my name  
TG: gotta make it fair :P  
TT: A fair point.  
TT: In that case: nice "2" meet "u" too, Roxy Lalonde.  
TG: a pleasure good sir ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Second fic in my MERRY MOTHERLOAD!
> 
> Couldn't help but wonder how Dirk and Roxy would be before any interaction with humans... and then this happened. Gahhhh I just love these two though. And how they influence each other so much because they're each other's lifelines, in a way. (I ship them massively. I can't help myself. It is my guilty pleasure ship.)
> 
> Low on time right now (doing Christmas things) so I'll just post this and its sorta-companion fic and be off.
> 
> (Fun fact: Caliborn's crazily long "HAAAAAAAAAAAA" in his conversation with Dirk was not meant to be that long -- [the text converter I use](http://squornshellousbeta.zxq.net/pages/converter/convert.php) added it in. When proofreading this fic, I came across that _truly epic_ laugh, couldn't stop laughing myself... and left it in.)  
>  (Also eight-year-old Dirk is totally not based on eight-year-old me. Totally not. Not at all.)


End file.
